Are You Pouring Into Others?

Louie, feeling like a superhero
in his reflective vest!

Wow, six months has gone by fast! Louie and I have been together half a year, and we have learned so much from each other and are better for it. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how tough it was to get this far.

Louie went from lock down at 8:30 p.m. in a cushiony, penned area in my bedroom to a fluffy royal bed, completely opened. He goes to bed on his own (still at 8:30 p.m.) and even if he wakes up, he patiently waits for me to give the command, “Here.” Only then does he move off his bed.

While I have always been an early riser, it was an adjustment for me to get up, get dressed and get outside between 5:30 and 6:00 am… Now we do it every single morning, regardless of weather. And believe me, it’s not been easy with the kind of winter we’ve had!

He patiently sits as I fill up his food bowl and doesn’t move until I nod my head and say, “Go.” He walks by my side and rarely pulls and immediately sits prior to our walking across a busy street until I give the “Go” command. We’re still working on how he greets guests, but overall he has improved immensely.

So why such great improvement? Because I’ve poured energy into him; not for a few weeks—but for a solid six months. And I will continue to pour into him. I didn’t have to give him so much time and love. He probably would have been an average dog without any training or time. But I chose to pour into him with no real “return on investment” and certainly no guarantee that he would be worth my time.

These last six months have brought out the best in Louie. His trainer poured into us and now Louie’s true character and behavior has been given an opportunity to develop. No doubt, he is a much happier pup.

The significance of pouring energy into others is equally important for leaders. We can’t expect to hand over a manual, put the new team members through orientation, and check in with them occasionally. It takes consistent time and energy to bring out the best in people.

I am thankful for those along my journey who have poured into me. They didn’t need to, they chose to with no guarantees that it would work. I know many leaders who “mentor” others but there is always some sort of return for them. Rarely is it to make a difference in that person’s life—they are too busy for that.

I’ve had two mentors who made a difference in my life—I would not be the woman I am today without their love, time, wisdom, and accountability. They had nothing to gain by spending so much time with me, yet they did. Kathryn Rose Norman walked with me on my spiritual journey when no one else was willing (I was a lot like Louie; a little rough around the edges). She introduced me to Lynne Ruhl who also poured into me for more than a decade and continues to do so. Thank you seems so insignificant for what they did for me. I’m a lot like Louie in that I will seek to demonstrate my gratitude for a long time to come!  

Their investment in me has inspired me to invest in others. I rarely refuse to spend time with those who may need some guidance or encouragement, although I have nothing obvious to gain. I maintain healthy boundaries, but I always welcome an opportunity to invest in another’s life. Though I may not see an earthly “return,” in God’s economy, I am always richly blessed!

Now if I can just get Louie to stop using his big mouth (literally) when he plays and roughhouses! While I’m glad he’s playing, it’s clear we have more work to do—and that’s just fine by me.

Speaking of Superheroes! 

Lou…There's No Whining In Dog Walking!

Smiling and building trust!

After several months of learning leadership lessons from Louie (and his exceptional trainer, Zig), we continue to grow closer. In fact, he’s my favorite little Valentine this year… after Mea and Evi, of course.

But I’ve noticed an annoying habit while we walk…he whines! Not constantly – just when we exit the garage, when we see one of his buddies (considering his excellent eyesight and keen sense of smell, that buddy could be down the street, around the bend and over the hill), or when an alpha male is in the area, and there are a lot of those around.

At first I thought he was just excited and wanted to see his friend or worse, fight his foe. But I found out from Zig that it is actually quite the contrary. He is still somewhat fearful (although he is getting better), and his whining is due to uncertainty. While I have become a very competent alpha and have provided a tremendous amount of security, Louie’s still a bit skittish and not completely sure of his surroundings. He is extremely smart and learns quickly…and he remembers everything. I am sure his memory goes to a dark place when he’s uncertain.

Because of this personality trait, Zig shared with me something I found fascinating. One particular day, while our dogs were playing, Louie would occasionally look over at Zig with that uncertain look, dropping his head, not really sure he wanted Zig in his space.  Zig quietly proceeded to move to a sitting position on the floor, and then to a lying position. He explained that this was an extremely vulnerable position for animals, when they expose their belly. Louie, still somewhat unsure, seemed to ease up and approach Zig more easily. Zig’s willingness to be vulnerable helped Louie move beyond his uncertainty and build trust.

As leaders, are we willing to be vulnerable with our teams? Are we afraid to “expose our belly,” so to speak, for fear we will be seen as weak? This could be the most powerful tool in building trust within your team. And there is a delicate balance between sharing authentically and vulnerably and maintaining healthy boundaries. If a willingness to be vulnerable is not in your leadership development strategy, rethink your strategy.

Many leaders espouse appreciation for Brene Brown, author of several bestselling books on vulnerability and authenticity.  But few truly walk out what she teaches. Why? Because many of us don’t know how to take the first step in putting down our masks and being real. “Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect,” says Brene Brown. We are so concerned about appearing to be perfect; we post perfect Facebook pictures, we wear perfect clothes, our hair is perfectly coifed, we insist others fall in line with our perfectionism, all for the sake of protecting our images. But please do not confuse excellence with perfectionism. They are completely different and I’ll address that in another blog post!

Successful organizations maintain cultures built on trust. This happens because courageous and confident leaders have a strong sense of love and belonging, and have removed their masks and aren’t afraid to “expose their bellies”. These leaders have a healthy balance of professionalism and transparency and enjoy truly deep, trusting relationships with their teams.

Louie whines because of doubt and uncertainty. But we have begun to build trust because I’ve learned from our trainer how to be vulnerable. Of course, with everything there are extremes and the key word here is balance. My buddy Louie seems to think that exposing his belly to me is the solution for everything. When he’s done something wrong or behaves badly, I clear my throat, stand up straight and hold one finger up in the air as I look at him. He immediately falls down to the ground and rolls over—exposing his belly. We’re still working on balance.

The Power of Forgiveness

II continue to be amazed at the communication skills of my pup, Louie. For not speaking a word, he is capable of relaying so many messages. His body language expresses happiness, playfulness, fear, anxiety and the most important – love.

When we had a break in the weather, Louie and I took a long walk and enjoyed the fresh air, even though it was still quite cold. We went through our usual routine when we returned home; taking my boots off in the garage, wiping his feet, and having him come into the kitchen to sit on the area rug for a minute while I remove my coat, etc. He does really well with this process and is very patient.

I went on with my workday and after a few minutes, I wondered why he had not followed me as he usually does. I came back into the kitchen and there was Louie, sitting perfectly still right by the garage door. I had forgotten to take off his leash and the handle was caught in the door. Rather than bark, fuss and prance around…he waited and waited. There was no look of anxiousness. In fact, his big brown eyes looked at me as if to say, “No worries, Mom. I forgive you!” 

I know he’s a dog and his life isn’t as complicated as a human’s. But one of the reasons Louie and most other dogs have uncomplicated lives is because they don’t harbor grudges. They aren’t weighed down by resentments like many of us.  Even if they are abused, most dogs quickly forgive. Perhaps we could learn a lesson from that.

For those of us who seek to be servant leaders, forgiveness must be at the top of the list of characteristics and qualifications. A pattern of broken relationships and constant grudges are a red flag and a sign that something needs to change. Here are some things to consider if you see a pattern of unforgiveness or holding on to resentments:

1. It’s not about you! A leader must be other focused. When we make a mistake or hurt someone and it is brought to light, we must own our behavior and ask for forgiveness. A good leader doesn’t seek to justify her mistakes.
2. When someone else has made a mistake and it costs us productivity, time or hurt feelings, the most freeing thing we can do for all parties involved is to forgive. Flippantly saying, “Oh I forgive them in my heart,” but then seething inside, and sharing the offense with everyone over and over again, only leads to self imprisonment Over time, this will cause physical, mental and spiritual harm. 
3. Work hard to not offend anyone while never compromising truth. Learn to communicate truthfully with a heart filled with love. Then when an incident occurs—and it will—it becomes easier to immediately forgive. 

God has taught me this lesson through his forgiveness of my many sins. I am grateful that He continually forgives me through my relationship with Jesus. And every time I look into Louie’s eyes I see, “You are loved and forgiven, Mom!”  Indeed I am, Louie! Indeed I am!

 Alpha Pup, Mea, testing Louie's patience and 

willingness to forgive!

Meet Them Where They Are!

Louie and I had arranged to meet Zig, our trainer and his dog, Deliah, at a dog park one crisp autumn morning. Deliah is every pet owner's dream—obedient, well-behaved and playful.  By contrast, Louie usually spent his time at the park scouting out the surroundings, greeting new dogs entering the park, and trying to get his hair to stand up so he would appear larger than he is. Besides Louie and Deliah, there were two other dogs and the three of them were running and jumping, while Louie was marking every tree in sight, sometimes two or three times, making sure everyone would know he had been at the park.

Every once in a while Louie would start running and invariably, get the other dogs to chase him. He is incredibly fast and very agile and usually very tough for other dogs to catch. But after a good run, he would go right back to marking trees and inspecting the fence to see if there was any place to escape.

Zig, decided to throw a ball for Deliah to catch, hoping Louie would jump in on the fun. He’d throw the ball, Deliah would chase after it, and then bring it back to present it to her master. They did this routine over and over again with little to no attention from Louie.

Finally Zig told me he was going to throw the ball right at Louie to see how he would react.  The ball breezed through the air, bounced on the ground and gently knocked Louie right in the chest. Louie stood there looking as though there was something wrong with us; why would we throw a ball at him?

Zig crossed his arms and said, “I am amazed. I have never seen anything like this. This poor dog doesn’t even know how to play.” I thought to myself, that’s crazy. Every dog knows how to play, right? It’s innate--they just play! Surely he knows how to play, he just chooses not to.

But after several attempts to engage him in playful activities that most dogs love, I had to agree that Louie simply didn’t know how to play. I had assumed, wrongly, that playing comes naturally to all dogs.

Leader, isn’t that just like us? We assume that a title or a certain amount of experience guarantees ability. But while a person may be capable, there are other variables (new job, new organization, new leader, new goals, etc.) that may impact their need for more direction.  Here are some tips to help you avoid making assumptions that could hinder productivity and relationship.

• Don’t make assumptions; be willing to learn about others. 
• Understand where people are in their ability to do the task.
• Give clear directions, ask questions, and check in to see how their progress is going.
• Invite them to ask questions to ensure mutual understanding.
• Learn to be a Situational Leader (The Ken Blanchard Companies, SLII); fine tune your leadership behavior skills and provide the help your team needs to develop into top performers.

Surprisingly, Louie needed to learn to play. After working with him for some time, we now play fetch and wrestle a bit (until he opens that big mouth of his to engulf my entire head), and he loves to play with my neighbor’s dog, Eve. I met him right where he was and he is developing nicely into a fun loving dog….who loves to play!

Actually, this is how God treats us. Contrary to what we may believe, we don’t have to be perfect to be in relationship with God because he is more than willing to meet us right where we are. We might not know all the right things to say or do, but God gives us grace right where we are so we can enjoy who we were created to be.

Louie and his gal pals!

Eve

Deliah

We Don't Always Choose Whom We Lead!

“Why did you get that dog anyway?” a friend asked as we were eating, exasperated with Louie who had finally settled down after attacking her at the door. “He’s so different from what you’ve been used to.” (See picture of my past dogs).

Good question, I thought to myself. Why did I get him? As I'm typing, he is trying to “bury” his chewy toy behind the sofa in the family room, and I have to shake my head and wonder. I’ve been accustomed to soft and fluffy, somewhat dainty, little dogs. There is nothing soft and fluffy about Louie, and certainly nothing dainty! And on days where the temperature is -5 degrees and we have to “go” outside, I have to ask why?

Well, I love him, first and foremost. And I did choose him, and it was not an emotional decision. He had character and a presence and I knew he needed me…and I needed him. That’s not how we typically select our employees, but sometimes when we accept a leadership position, there are people we lead whom we would like to help find other jobs. We shake our heads and wonder why on earth they are part of our team.

They may not act in familiar ways, they may seem a bit quirky, and there are probably days we wish they would simply resign. Then we start seeing signs of hope, we genuinely give affirmations and suddenly, we see improvement, ever so slight, but it’s there. We notice their contributions to the team, and our one-on-one times are more fulfilling.  We notice that they have hidden exceptional characteristics and potential, even though they lack what WE believe they need in order to be an exceptional employee.

Just like Louie, some people we lead are diamonds in the rough.  They appear very ordinary at first glance, and their true beauty as jewels is only realized through a very difficult process. A good leader is often faced with the dilemma of either taking time to invest in a person or deciding it’s time to let them go.

I believe every interaction we have with another human being has a purpose. And when I find myself spending time with someone because our roles intertwine, I must take a look at how I can best invest in this person’s life. I am willing to invest in others who:

• Show genuine interest in professional and personal growth
• Have a sense of self awareness and a personal vision

• Are open to and welcome feedback, coaching and mentoring

• Are committed to learning

• Are willing to take risks

• Posses self-management skills


As leaders we must be willing to invest in others, especially those who are so different from our expectations.  Sometimes we toss people aside because they don’t meet our needs or measure up to our standards.  A good leader recognizes that some people are placed in our life for the very purpose of refining us. Are we willing to give them our time, and invest in them? I realize there are times we do need to help others find another job, but most times it takes a refining process to bring out the best in others, and ourselves.

Louie is still burying his chewy and I am still shaking my head. I don’t mind spending time pouring into him because I see the potential and personality and I am the richer person for giving away my heart and my time! 

Be Present!

Confession time...I’m a multi-tasker and have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. In fact, I was one of those kids who received the checked box next to the comment, “Does not concentrate on task at hand,” on almost every report card throughout grade school.

To this day, I justify my struggle with focus by saying I am a very creative person and I need to live experientially and savor the richness of the world around me in order to be a better writer. However, I understood very early in life that if I did not learn to focus I would be in trouble. The only nun who was impressed with my creativity was my English composition teacher.  The others—not so much. So I became very intentional about focus and it has paid off.

Which brings us to Louie, who shares my struggle with focus. I recently shared with our trainer that he seems a bit skittish when I walk him in the dark and he has a hard time focusing on what he needs to do while we’re outside. The trainer reminded me that I am alpha, which means confidently leading Louie in a way that is fun and gives him safe freedom to do his thing, despite the darkness.

One beautiful morning, right before dawn, we walked a little further than normal and were moving at a pretty good clip. Since there was no one else around to whom Louie could react, I decided to check emails on my phone. In a flash, Louie jerked to the left, my phone went flying and three large creatures ran in front of us. They were harmless deer but they definitively startled Louie—and me. The deer moved on but it was a few minutes before my heart stopped racing and Louie settled down. As I picked up my phone, I had to shake my head...I know better than to check email, walk the dog, and pay attention to my surroundings simultaneously. Walking Louie only takes a small chunk of time each day, and he deserves my undivided attention—especially when we’re walking in the dark. 

And so it is with our teams, loved ones, friends, and people in general. Yet, we pay so little attention to others and rarely give them our focus and undivided attention. We sit in restaurants on our phones, checking Facebook or seeing if we received that “important” text or email. If we are attentive, it is usually because we want to get our point across as soon as that person stops talking. Let’s face it, sometimes it’s easier to carry on “virtual” conversations than it is to fully engage in real ones.

There is no greater gift we can give someone than to be fully present. People long to be known and understood. And the best way to know someone is to intentionally focus on what they are saying by not only hearing their words but also hearing their heart. It takes time and effort to truly “hear” people, yet it is the best way to demonstrate that you value and honor them.

As we celebrate the Christmas season, practice being fully present with whomever you’re with. Take some time to truly focus on those around you and whom you spend time with. Be intentional, put down your phone, step away from the technological noise and listen to their words and pay attention to what their hearts might be saying. We’ve been given the best gift humanly possible through the birth of Christ. He modeled how to connect deeply with others. I once heard Willow Creek Community Church Founder Bill Hybels said. “You will never lock eyes with someone who does not matter to God.” I often remind myself of that as I sit across the table from someone, walk through Findlay Market, or take Louie on a walk and say hello to neighbors I only see occasionally throughout the winter months. I am intentional about locking eyes with others not because I learned this in a business course or from the latest new leadership guru, but because people matter to God and therefore matter to me!

The best present you can give to others is to be present with them.

Have a blessed Christmas!

Louie and Evi!

DiStasi Advisors will be closed from December 23 through January 6th. We hope you and your loved ones enjoy this blessed time of celebration.

Safe and Sound

We usually express a deep sigh of relief when we hear the words “safe and sound” from a loved one.  The term is actually a Naval insurance term. Whenever a ship returned from a journey overseas, if everyone were 'safe' it meant there were no injuries or deaths. The ship was 'sound' if it had not suffered serious damage. So it is with Louie.

When Louie settles in for the night, I love on him, and invariably I hear his “safe and sound” sigh. His being content and safe is largely due to my consistent loving and firm behavior. He never has to guess how I am going to respond. He has learned that a certain behavior from him will evoke a certain response from me. I don’t let bad behavior persist and then pounce on him. I am consistent with his discipline and even more so with his rewards. Because of this, he feels safe and is responding very positively to his new environment.

Consistency doesn’t mean we are robotic. Louie loves variety and enjoys a new adventure or a new path to walk. And the point isn’t simply to be consistent. Anyone can be consistently bad! The point is to be consistently good. For the sake of this blog, let’s stick with the good; my consistent behavior should always move Louie toward being a happier dog who loves his mama and his home! And so our leadership behaviors must be consistently moving our team toward having more trust, being more creative, experiencing contentment, and being more productive.

It is next to impossible to trust an inconsistent leader. Their employees continually walk on eggshells because they never know if something is done perfectly, or if their very best effort will ever be good enough. An inconsistent leader may preach values but proceed to gossip about someone. Consistently excellent leadership behaviors promote a safe work environment.

I can certainly look back over the years and recognize that my own inconsistent behavior made it very difficult for people to be around me, much less for them to be content, happy, creative and productive employees. I’ve also had a number of bosses who were very inconsistent with their behaviors. The mood was always, “do your job, keep your head down and don’t do anything to rock the boat.” On the contrary, consistent behavior that builds trust means remembering the following:

1.    Be who you say you are. People want to see you live the values you talk about.

2.    Being inconsistent does not necessarily show up in an explosive temperament. Inconsistency can be demonstrated through passive aggressive behavior as well.

3.    Be open to change. A safe person is not afraid of constructive feedback. Model a willingness to work on your weaknesses. Your team just might follow your example.

4.    Be open and transparent. When we are guarded, people suspect we have something to hide. On the other hand, don’t go overboard on sharing personal data in an effort to prove you don’t have anything to hide! Be genuine and discerning.

5.    Have fun…lighten up, be consistently joyful.

We demonstrate love by being consistently loving. Louie is learning that when I leave, I’ll be back; when I say let’s go for a walk, I head for the door; and when the babies are around and I move into my Nonna role, he knows to watch over them as well.

Obviously, consistency is key in leadership and relationships. Just as important is being present. We’ll talk about that next time. 

Louie and his consistently loving leader!